Four Reasons NOT to Go

Once I had made up my mind to make the trip, I started paying attention to news stories about Montana and motorcycling.

Bear Eats Camper:
Yup. A grizzly mama and her three undernourished cubs strolled into a Forest Service campground just north of Yellowstone Park and ATE A GUY. Tore open his nylon tent, pulled him out, and consumed much of his abdomen. (Yum, liver.) I wonder if his snoring attracted the bears ... I am told that I snore like one in heat. My plan is to split my nights about 50:50 between sleeping in a tent and sleeping in a bed. Bad news, bears: my friend Steve loaned me a 700,000 volt stun wand. My plan is to use it on myself if the occasion arises.

Intelligent Executive Rides Bike Off Mountain:
The CEO of the Freedom Valu Center chain of gas stations and convenience stores has (had) a cabin in Montana. He and his wife went out for a ride on the Harley. He overshot a curve, rode down an embankment, struck a boulder and died. He cushioned the blow for his wife, she only broke a leg. I bet she doesn't feel lucky though. According to the news story, neither alcohol nor excessive speed were factors and he was wearing a helmet. Y'all drive careful now, hear?

Escaped Murderer Hiding Near Glacier Park:
This fine citizen was serving a gazillion year sentence in Arizona when he (allegedly) convinced his fiance -- who is also his cousin -- to bust him out of the pen. Adios Sheriff Joe. They apparently killed an elderly couple (campers, to boot) in New Mexico and then made a run for the border ... Canada, that is. They were last spotted near the eastern entrance to Glacier National Park. I sure hope 1) they don't take a liking to my bike and 2) none of the gun-toting locals think that I look like him.

Plague of Grasshoppers:
WTF. Just when it can't get any cheerier, I learn that 2010 is the biggest year for grasshoppers since 1985. The hopper clan is massed in the western plains from Nebraska to Montana. Hitting a big juicy grasshopper at 70+ MPH is supposed to leave a welt. Hitting a cloud of the buggers in biblical proportions cannot be a whole lot of fun either.

Despite these ominous omens, I will make the trip. I figure that the bear has been captured, accidents can be prevented by smart and defensive riding, the murderer is probably long gone or deep in hiding, and I could scarcely find a mention of grasshoppers in all of the stories and posts that followed the huge Sturgis (SD) Bike Rally.

Glacier Park or bust!